break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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