Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
