sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
