My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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