Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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