I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
