My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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