this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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