my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
