apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
