so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
