She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You are a genius and a whore.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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