you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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