you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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