nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
love makes seman taste better
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
