The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
