Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
