After last night, I could never be a politician.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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