Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Randomize
