i already hear my dad disowning me
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I don't deserve a penis
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
