I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
