i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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