i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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