if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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