apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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