I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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