so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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