hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Farmville is her only friend.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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