why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
