She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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