I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
