It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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