I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Is Oprah even human
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
