I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
