rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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