Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
