Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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