i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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