Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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