Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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