I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
