you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
