In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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