Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
