You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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