Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
