So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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