made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
