I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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