Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
