it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
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Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
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I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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