Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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