1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
