I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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