I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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