dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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