Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
